Caution: this post contains the words “wee”, “poo” and “big jobs”. If you are offended by such terms, please do not read on.

Around five or so years ago some friends of ours invested in a dual flush system for their new toilet. I’d never seen one before, so after my first visit I asked them about it. They told me that if every toilet in the UK had a dual flush system, it would save the equivalent of six reservoirs of water every year. Now, I’ve only ever seen one reservoir in real life – the Avon Dam in Devon – but I’d imagine six reservoirs to be quite a lot bigger than that.

Ever since that first water-conserving flush at my friend’s house, my aim in life became to one day own a dual flush system. In terms of successful living, it ranked right up there with an integrated ice machine in your fridge as a sign that you’ve really made it. It’s only my humble opinion, but once you’ve got an ice maker in your fridge, a dual flush toilet and a small forest in your back garden to offset your carbon footprint, then you can die a happy chappy.

But then a couple of years ago something odd happened. Suddenly everyone had a dual flush system, but the problem was every toilet had its own slant on which was the wee button, and which was the poo button. Is the big button for “big jobs” or is it the button you push more often, ie for wee? Then there are some that have a little button in the middle of the big button, which someone told me you push together for a wee.

So now I’ve got no clue what to do. I’m confused and I’ve almost given up caring about those six reservoirs. If there is anyone out there who works in the toilet industry, please could you set up some sort of governing body to make dual flush systems universal and avoid confusion. Much like VHS vs Betamax, or BlueRay vs HD DVD, surely one system would eventually win. And I can relax when I go to the lav, without fear of pushing the big flush for a small wee.

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